After my husband’s affair, my self-talk was filled with thoughts like:

This is horrible.

I’ll never find love again.

He is such a jerk!

It’s understandable why I had these negative thoughts—I was in pain.  What was not clear to me was how much my thinking kept me stuck in my suffering – or that I could move beyond my pain and suffering – by changing my thinking.

Our minds are powerful instruments capable of accomplishing extraordinary things. Unfortunately, most of us go through life in a less than deliberate way, allowing circumstances and events to dictate how we feel. We live “at the effect of” other people and events, rather than being the creator of our experience. This was certainly my method of operation in the aftermath of my husband’s affair.

Eventually, I came to realize that: my habitual, negative self talk was (unconsciously) harnessing the power of my mind to create the very things I most wanted to let go of:  my pain and stuckness.

 I also came to realize that:  It was time to get more conscious about the words I used and their effect on my healing.

            It was time to change my thoughts.

            It was time to change my talk.

            How much of your thinking is comprised of non-directional or negative thoughts like, I can’t believe this is happening or I feel like a failure? Negative or reactive thoughts like these set an intention – the unconscious intention to stay stuck in our pain.


 Mary R. Hulnick, Ph. D., author of Remembering the Light Within: A Course in Soul-Centered Living writes, “…every word we speak, whether conscious or unconscious is an intention with which we are creating our lives.”

 Setting a conscious intention is a way to harnesses the power of our subconscious mind to increase the likelihood of getting a desired result. My husband, Paul, likes to describe setting an intention as “a memo to my ego (the place where most of our negative self talk originates) reminding it that it is not in charge today.”

Setting a conscious intention to learn, heal and grow is a positive and proactive way to find more peace.  Stephen Covey in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People encourages his readers to “begin with the end in mind.” This habit, he says is “based on the principle that all things are created twice. There’s the mental or first creation, (followed by) the physical or second creation of all things.” He goes on to say, “Through imagination, we can visualize the uncreated world’s potential that lies within us.” When we take the time to form a clear picture in our minds of how we want our life to be, we greatly increase the chances of achieving our goals, both inner and outer.”

Lastly, and perhaps most powerfully, when we set an intension, we broadcast to the universe a message of positive self loving that invariably comes back to us in profound and unexpected ways.

I invite you to take a moment to affirm your heartfelt desire. A very simple but powerful intention to hold as you read this blog is:

“I intend to learn, heal and grow.”

If you want to stretch yourself:

“I intend to use this painful event to grow into an even better version of myself.”

 If you’re ready to really stretch yourself:

“I intend to turn this into the best thing that ever happened to me.”